I'd love to know that something beautiful was going to magically happen in my life..its true, I have based alot on love. Not relationships in general, not having a petty boyfriend, but true love, because of the fact that i've lost to much in my life that just so happened to have alot to do with the general term. Truth be told there are many more important things to me, way more important. My writing for instance, and my singing. I want to be a writer, but ive had the worst block latly, I dont really understand whats been going on in my head. I feel so without, without everything, nothing really makes me happy, or anything at that. I need to get a move on things, but im always wanting to be somewhere that makes me motivated enough to do so. The environments ive been in definetly havnt helped much. Its always yelling, screaming, name calling, no matter where I go. My anxiety has been at its all natural high latly. Lovely. I know I cant be crazy like i was over a year ago, fleeding the state, I wont do it again, but i've definetly thought about it. As I am right at this moment, but ive been back almost a year, i wont do it again, i know that. I need answers. I need to know that things will work themself out... They use to, but now, they never do, there always the same. Sometimes I feel like my dreams were stolen from me, right along with my child hood, and my love. I miss being so determined. I cried last night, for the first time in i dont know how long... I cried for everything I wanted to do, the only person, i've ever truly loved, and the times I always went back to the wrong one. I cried for how dull and unpleasant ive been the past 3 months, I cried for my friends over the years being so far away.. I hate that i'm probably the most nostalgic person anyone will ever meet. Its mainly because in the past I had so much more than I do now, and have ruined so many things for myself. I'm stuck in this mood because I feel like I cant make anything good for myself again, i cant change anything, I cant change me, i've lost hope,faith,love,happiness. Its not even about being sad, im a blank wall, I cant be painted anymore...Where have all the pretty colors gone, I use to be so beautiful inside myself, thats what you all loved about me, but where have I gone?

Sometimes I wish love wasnt such a lost cause. We all take advantage and let go of what was truly real in our lives.
You only get so many chances, and i've used up and now lost all mine, stuck to believe a ring might hold on the the last bit of hope I had for someone, or first loves could rekindle themselves, but its all wrong, & time to realize, its all gone.
Therfor i've learned that being alone is all i really can do, because I wont settle for less then who I love.
i missed what i was supposed to learn,
cause all i learned about was missing you.




My heads been spinning for months.

i'm pretty sure my hearts breaking everyday now, there's no hope, no faith, nothing, this is for always...:\

orlandos so full of partying and it's really just not me. i love this town...i love my friends...so much, but i just don't feel up to speed. i don't like to drink every night...party all the time. i like to take breaks up at least 3 days. i'm hiding out in a bathroom right now because of my stupid jealousy and fucked up night...i tried to attempt to give someone else a chance tonight whose wanted to date me for years and i basically told him to fuck off, and the other person it will never be physically or emotionally possible to have, too bad i'm not anorexic....i'm over having no real home, i'm over drinking, i'm over ciggarettes, i'm over parties. when someone i know and love a lot gets a place i'm ready to move out and start over again in my life.... i can't handle this. i'm too old for this life. i'm ready to settle down get a job , go to school, have a steady boyfriend and chill the fuck out. it's always the wrong time and place for me but i'm willing to seriously try and change things, completly switch things around and i can only hope these things will come true because to be honest, i'm over everything.

I only added back a few people on here anyways, and id like to use it only for my personal writing and no one elses eyes.

bye

and let go of all attachments, for clinging onto anything or anyone will pull you farther down the hole to less concentration on you, you, yourself. but if you have the option to help someone else once you always know you will be fine then you are giving someone else that blessing to survive in their life.

bye to alll.

Your beauty wont hide your insecurities.



And you, ill be missing you, im missing you, i dont want too, but i will.

But maybe that will change someday, why dates asshole until then, fuck that.


Fuck the men, lets drink to us <3

Anyone whose interested in these days, I just kinda blow off, i attempted to like someone but he was a scum bag, and thank god i've changed and didnt give any second chances. I dont deserve a shitty guy, I know I dont. I'm just kinda going with the flow of things, i'm talking to one guy, and neither of us want a realtionship, its just fun to hang out, this is what I wanted, something chill, nothing serious, because when your heart throws you in other directions you'd rather not be serious with anyone. I'll never live with a guy again, I think its sad when you cant have a normal relationship, and go on dates, and actually MISS eachother...I havnt had that in so long, the past two guys ive dated we've lived together, and things that could of been potentially good, turned to shit, because i'm young, i have alot to accomplishment, I dont need to be living with a guy, I dont need to feel like im married to anyone. That has been the lesson ive learned over the past year. I regret nothing though, because learning is all apart of the experience of life, love, and wonderful memories I did have, and will hold onto forever. There are way more difficult things i've overcome, and will have to overcome more as time passes. I know that i'm a genuine, loving care person, and someday there will be 'someone' who will appreciate that fully for what it is. I've changed so much, I litterally have no expectations of men, i let things happen as they happen, and dont get worked up about anything really, I learned once from someone that, thats how you should be, and you can never be told or pressured into being that person, but you can go through enough to become that person, and I know the one who taught me that is proud of me for growing up into who I am now.:)

theres just one thing thats getting in the way.

You cant erase a powerful love, but you can hope the best for that person, hope that even know IM NOT with him, he finds everything he wants in life, with love, with school, with stablizing his life, everything. Thats all i want is him to be happy. Because I am so very happy with my life! Thankgod im back in florida, thank god theres sun back in my life :)..im kinda over livejournal though.

Im back in orlando florida, and i need to get the fuck up and get dressed, im soooo sick :( ive been sick for weeks now, it just wont stop, worst timing to be sick ever, cold, cough, fever, sore throat, this really fucking sucks...


So im just gona say this right here, and public, cause i dont care.


Paul Joseph Geddes..It was so good seeing you the other day, and i'm so happy your life is well,( with everything) i truly mean that.

Washington, I am leaving you, I knew you were never really right for my life, but i fought the concept of being able to succeed and have happiness in my life..I saw a side of nicholas i never wanted to see and it hurt me very badly to the point where I can no longer love him that way. I feel as if i've just been sleeping for the past 7-8 months, thats how unhappy and dark my life has been. I went home to Orlando Florida 3 months into living here...I saw my ex boyfriend paul jay, saw my bestfriend chris and all the rest of my friends and that took the first turn towards coming back here. I have never been so completly unhappy in my life as i have been here. It just proved to be that I can be stable, I can have that secure and stability ive always wanted but STILL not be happy. Happiness comes from within. I've learned alot from this experience. People lie, your job, your first 'love', your 'bestfriends'.. The people I stayed here for all turned on me within a second, without looking back, well now this is my chance to leave all of you, and never look back, i've been running away from my problems for years, and now its time to face them and who I am, i am not yet successful but i can be, and in the place I love with the people who love me and have always been there for me.

I've been sleeping for so long, and now its time to wake up to reality. My life isnt about a man, its not about just being stable and taken care of. I need to learn to understand the faults in me, and continue to take the good in with the bad. I'm okay, i'll be okay, no matter what, everything..is..going..to..be..okay.. I will make it okay.



And as for lost love'---
"Yes, baby, maybe one day we'll meet"

FUCK YOU BOSS OF MY STUPID FUCKING JOB
FUCK YOU EX BOYFRIEND FOR TREATING ME LIKE SHIT
FUCK YOU STATE THATS ALWAYS COLD
& FUCK ME FOR MAKING A BAD DECISION.


I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE, I CANT, IM GOING TO FUCKING BURST. IVE CHAINED SMOKED TONIGHT. I HATE EVERYTHING, I HATE EVERYONE. I NEED TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whores like Jess, kara, ect. shouldnt exist, there so dissatisfied with themselves that they have to either ruin someone elses relationship or let guys take advantage of them. I dont give a fuck about your little " daddy problems " it doesnt give you an excuse to be a straight up whore. I've had alot of problems in my life, and at least your parents let you stay with them, at they are paying for everything in your life, at least there there for you, at least they fucking care. So get the fuck over it and realize you have a good life and stop trying to fuck up others and your own, maybe get off all the drugs your constantly doing as you live in a little pleasant ville neighborhood. Fuck.

Whores like Jess, kara, ect. shouldnt exist, there o dissatisfied with themselves that they have to either ruin someone elses relationship or let guys take advantage of them. I dont give a fuck about your little " daddy problems " it doesnt give you an excuse to be a straight up whore. I've had alot of problems in your life, and at least your parents let you stay with them, at they are paying for everything in your life, at least there there for you, at least they fucking care. So get the fuck over it and realize you have a good life and stop trying to fuck up others and your own, maybe get off all the drugs your constantly doing as you live in a little pleasant ville neighborhood. Fuck.

I've given up trying on something, he's trapped himself where he is now, and he'll never get out. He enjoys the partying and the people too much, he wont give it up. I'll always be a friend.

I have 1169 saved by the 15th.

I get paid again on the 30th

1500 soon to be saved by 30th


I'm going to be saving 900 a month, if i keep to my budget, 850 at the least.

I go to the gym everyday, and work full time. This is my life, im not drinking anymore, and im trying my hardest to not buy ciggs as much.
Nicks mom might buy my car off me for 3000 in june, she's proud of me for keeping to my contract with angie. If not i'll sell it on craigs list. New car, new apt, new life
Orlando Fl, June 2009.

4,820 should be what i end up with, 4,000 at the least, i believe.

lechrissya
17 February 2008 @ 07:17 pm
[protected post]Leaving for the fact of disappointment.
If things dont work out with this time, involving everything thats going on, I will be gone forever, you'll never see me again.


Current Location: Joes apt.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Shiny tony guns